Paternity Leave: Max it out!

A recent article that I've highlighted below, from the NYTimes: Upshot, covers the topic of paternity leave. Being an airline pilot, the only stigma that comes from taking extended leave is the reduction in flying hours (experience) and the potential of losing currency which would require a simple proficiency check.¹ I decided early on that my family comes first and with that, those two side effects didn't worry me. Hence, I took the full 90 days of Family Leave when our daughter was born and it was the best time of my life²; getting to learn how to care for a newborn, new mother and bond together as a new family. I loved every moment of it and would never trade it for anything.

Five months after Todd Bedrick’s daughter was born, he took some time off from his job as an accountant. The company he works for, Ernst & Young, offered paid paternity leave, and he decided to take six weeks — the maximum amount — when his wife, Sarah, went back to teaching. He learned how to lull the fitful baby to sleep on his chest and then to sit very still for an hour to avoid waking her. He developed an elaborate system for freezing and thawing his wife’s pumped breast milk. And each day at lunchtime, he drove his daughter to the elementary school where Sarah teaches so she could nurse. When she came home at the end of the day, he handed over the baby and collapsed on the couch.

“The best part was just forming the bond with her,” said Mr. Bedrick, who lives in Portland, Ore., and went back to work in June. “Had I not had that time with her, I don’t think I’d feel as close to her as I do today.”

And of course, this comes without surprise. My daughter and I are tight and I love that I can read her and “feel” her emotions. I love her and my wife so much!

Social scientists who study families and work say that men like Mr. Bedrick, who take an early hands-on role in their children’s lives, are likely to be more involved for years to come and that their children will be healthier. Even their wives could benefit, as women whose husbands take paternity leave have increased career earnings and have a decreased chance of depression in the nine months after childbirth. But researchers also have a more ominous message. Taking time off for family obligations, including paternity leave, could have long-term negative effects on a man’s career — like lower pay or being passed over for promotions.

“Part of the rationale for paternity leave is if men are able to be very involved early on in the care of their children, they’re going to be more involved ever after, and it will translate to more equal sharing and equal roles,” said Ms. Waldfogel, the professor of social work. Though men who want to be more involved fathers are probably more likely to take leave in the first place, she found that even after controlling for fathers’ commitment levels, those who took significant leaves were more likely to do hands-on child care later.

Mr. Bedrick added, “I definitely would not have done anything differently.”

I couldn’t have said it better.

Cultural messages tend to reinforce the stigma. Last spring, Daniel Murphy, a second baseman for the New York Mets, was criticized when he took the three days of paternity leave allowed by Major League Baseball. “I would have said: ‘C-section before the season starts. I need to be at opening day,’ ” Boomer Esiason, a radio talk show host and former professional football player, said on his program. (He would later apologize for the remarks.) Mike Francesa, another radio talk show host, added: “You’re a Major League Baseball player; you can hire a nurse.” Men often receive subtle or not-so-subtle messages that leave is unacceptable, even if it’s in the employee handbook.

If you remember a few months ago in April, the sports media went a little crazy about criticizing Daniel Murphy and I too was enraged. It’s all about spending as much time as you can, no matter how rich or who you are, with your new family. Period. There is no higher calling. Baseball??? Dumb that in our society, we'd put these material things above that.

There’s also quite a few articles that have touched upon this highly important topic in the last year. One of my favorites was published a few months ago in The Atlantic and there’s also the 5 Reasons Dads Should Take Paternity Leave. Read them both and if you can afford it, max out your paternity leave!

note: with my daughter in school, and with a new one on the way, finances are stretching and unfortunately, I will NOT be able to take the full time off unpaid when my son arrives around Christmas time. However, if it was a paid leave, I would be all for it.

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1. my leave was also unpaid. ↩
2. besides running bone dry on funds near the end of the 90 days, it was the most rewarding time of my life as we were fortunate that my wife’s company had paid leave and we have great supporting families and friends nearby. ↩

Dads Who Really Do Nothing

Big City Mom recently wrote on being a mother who does nothing.

There is no greater task than the nothing you did yesterday, the nothing you are doing today, and the nothing you will do tomorrow. Caring for a baby is all about the immediate experience, yet the first two years are all about investment. It’s give, give, give, and give some more. These are hard-fought, rough-and-tumble years that can cut us down to our core and take us soaring high above the clouds, all in the space of 5 minutes. And yes, as you do the hardest work of your life, it will seem like you’re not getting anything done at all. Crazy, huh?

Our daughter was born 18 months ago and I've loved every minute of being a father. I was fortunate to take one week off prior to her birth and followed it with another 4 months. Both my wife and I were home for those crucial months and I wish everyone this opportunity. Furthermore, I wish that our society put these initial months of nurturing as a number one priority - but that's another topic. Leaving for the first time was difficult but each time after that has been equally just as hard, if not harder.

I'm blessed that my occupation enables me to dedicate 100% of my time off with our daughter. I couldn't have asked for it any other way. There are times where I would rather enjoy a stress free shower without the worry of her crying, a little gaming here and there, but singing along with her during the intro to Sofia the First, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood or even Dr. McStuffins, brings me joys that I can't even speak of. Watching her feet wiggle with happiness when I feed her or teaching her baby sign language trumps mashing buttons, reading technology news and yes, even flying.

My day usually entails changing her nighttime diaper, changing her into "outdoor" clothes, playing with her, feeding her, changing her diaper, playing some more, followed by a delicious 1.5 hour (or more!) nap, then doing the same that afternoon until my wife comes home.

I'm able to get a few things done around the house, but it's even more amazing how much my wife is able to accomplish. She cooks, cleans, does laundry and washes the dishes. She even plans big parties including writing and mailing her mother's invitations for her upcoming 60th birthday party. All this with our daughter still nursing and sometimes throwing small temper tantrums. Not to mention, the previous month where our daughter was sick almost the entire time proved to the hardest yet, but we got through it together. Compared to me, I'm beat from hanging out and literally doing nothing. I like to call it playing hard.

At the end of the day, I sometimes find myself still in pajamas! After we lay her to bed, my wife and I cuddle on the couch and reflect on the past months. Sometimes we think that we haven't done anything barely remembering the first couple of months, but we come to the realization how amazing life truly is. There's no need or want to do anything else but hold her, hang out with her and play. Sometimes I have to resist the urge to wake her up and play more!

Yes, my wife and I joyfully co-sleep with our daughter on the floor of her room. I really don't understand the need to ever sleep in separate beds, or rooms for that matter, especially during these first two years. Maybe it's me being away for days at a time that I rather be with my entire family. I have friends, some with and others without kids, that look at us like we must be in a living hell, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Our setup makes it rather lonely when I leave and stay in the bed of a hotel in a distant city. I love my family so much and the happiness from being together is truly wonderful.

Sometimes we're able to get things together and venture outside the house. When we do, the beach is usually our go to. There are a few times that I look back and really have to think about what I've done, but then my daughter gives the biggest smile and I know exactly, right there, that what I'm doing is all I need to do. Did I mention, I love my family!

Ultimately, the days go by too fast. She's growing up too quickly but I always cherish every day and every minute I get with her.