Like their more insidious counterparts, the makers of the “Johny, Johny” videos know full well that kids will watch literally anything with a catchy tune and bright colors, but unlike pregnant Elsa’s golden shower, there’s technically nothing inappropriate or wrong about the videos. Falling somewhere between the explicitly disturbing algorithm-evaders and adults playing with Thomas the Tank Engine, “Johny, Johny” is simply the opposite of ASMR for me. Whatever feelings ASMR videos are supposed to give you — the opposite of that. I’m angry, I’m confused, I’m sometimes physically uncomfortable, to the point where my back gets tingly, in a bad way. It’s so far beyond the scope of anything I consumed when I was their age, I’d like to believe this type of absurdist video never existed until now.

Seriously. One day my oldest and middle child started signing this absurd song and I thought it was from school but maybe they got caught in the YouTube inter webs. Bad papa!

For utterly inscrutable reasons, the format stuck with children’s content creators, and hundreds (if not thousands) of “Johny Johny, Yes Papa” knock-offs have been uploaded since. Each video features a child and their family lying to one another as a form of affection. And like game of telephone, each new video seems to lose even more meaning than the one before it, a feat that frankly seems impossible, given the videos are logically impoverished to begin with.

Ingenious...maybe. But sickening for sure. Lying is not funny or humorous.